Prior to my undergoing back surgery some years ago, a body scan was ordered by the surgeon. That meant lying down and being shoved into a tube.
As the nurses started to insert me, I panicked.
I have claustrophobia and no way was I going to allow them to engulf me in that machine. The nurse consulted the surgeon, he ordered a shot and when I awoke, I was in surgery.
Last week another doctor ordered a body scan. I talked to the people in charge before making an appointment. No, they wouldn’t knock me out. But, ‘It’s only for about three minutes and you can turn your head and look out. Or close your eyes and think of the rolling tide.?
I made the appointment, then set about programming myself. I reread previously collected anti-fear suggestions. I practiced counting to 60, three times to see how long that felt.
I asked the Lord for some help, then had a glass of wine before entering the reception chamber.
During these pre-procedure days I also asked myself to review the reasons this immersion was recommended. I’d heard leg pains should not be ignored: they may be the warning of a stroke, heart attack, asthma, hernia, bunions, hair loss and dry skin.
The headline to this column is the first of six points about curing fear in my collection. That one is no more comforting than the sixth: ‘Expect, allow and accept that fear will reappear.?
Anyway, all this pre-planning seemed to work. I brainwashed myself into believing I’m male, egotistical, proud, and I can handle this.
Enter the tube, start counting to 60: one hundred one, one hundred two, etc. After getting to 60 five times I heard the attendant say, ‘Sounds like a bearing is acting up. I’ll have to go back a ways.? Oh, good!
I should have taken the bottle of wine as a takeout.
Well, I got through it fine and hopefully will get results when some Merlot or Zinfandel is handy.
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Observations: Recently the tv news showed a picture of a woman who had just escaped from jail. I noticed she put her earrings on before escaping. But her hair was disheveled. Ah, priorities!
Seldom, in fact never in recent memory, have I seen a female news reader on the tube with a straight part in her hair. Do they do that to show a flaw? To take our eyes off their ears? Is it the style?
NordicTrac is promoting an exercise machine, the Elliptical, that ‘lifts your bottom.? So does a boot.
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? Ever have a day like this: Wake up almost hoping all the flowers had died, then by mid-afternoon find yourself out buying perennials? Life is good.
? To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke into the load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from our windshield.
? Some Rodney Dangerfield’s I Get No Respects:
‘When I was born, the doctor took one look at my face . . . turned me over and said, ‘Look, twins!?
‘My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.?
‘It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.
? Yogi Berra: ‘You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.?