Sometime in the 1980s stand-up comic Jeff Foxworthy, a ‘Southerner,’ came up with a skit he called, “You might be a Redneck if.” One of them was, “You might be a Redneck if your mother kept a spit cup on her ironing board.”
With apologies to Mr. Foxworthy, we’ve accumulated some “You might have suffered depressed living if” ideas. If you’re not part of the throwaway society, you may well have similar thoughts.
You might have suffered depressed living if you wash out and re-use re-closable plastic bags.
If you wear underwear with just a small hole in it . . . if you cut dry cleaner bags apart and use them for drop cloths . . . and if you re-use facial tissues after they dry out — you might have suffered depressed living.
If you get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube by using pliers . . . if you wash and re-use paper plates . . . and if you spread butter and jam real thin on your bread — you might have been brought up in hard times.
If you use less than a cup of detergent in your wash . . . use four cups of water instead of the recommended three when making orange juice from frozen cans … and if you save your bacon grease — you might have suffered depressed living.
If you shine your shoes instead of just buying new ones . . . if you wash your own car . . . if you put off haircuts a couple of weeks . . . and pick up pennies off the sidewalk you may have grown up in a poorer household.
If you change the oil in your car every 10,000 miles instead of the recommended 3,000 miles . . . if you shut off the shower to soap down . . . if you save Miracle Whip jars when you don’t even know anyone who cans . . . and if you continually shut off lights whenever you leave a room — you might have suffered depressed living.
If you think a 40-hour work week is a part time job . . . if you use the second sides of sheets of paper . . . and if you save gift boxes from every occasion for re-use — you might have come from a money-lacking home.
If you ask for a ‘doggy bag’ as soon as you order in a restaurant, and ask for more bread sticks a couple of times — you might have suffered depressed living.
If you always take the shampoo, lotion, soap and shower cap from you motel room . . . if you use a grocery plastic bag for a shower cap . . . and if you cut night crawlers in half when fishing just so they’ll last longer — you may have suffered depressed living.
You have probably figured out by now by my rearing (and surmised correctly) I’ve done all these things — except the shower cap.
* * *
This by way of The Porcupine Press, which got it from Dennis Miller:
He (Miller) said recently on his show, regarding the judges who declared the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional:
“So, Your Honor, the Pledge is unconstitutional because it says ‘Under God.’
“Guess that means when you were sworn in with the Bible, and at the end of your oath repeated, ‘So, Help Me God’ that makes your job unconstitutional!
“Therefore, you have no job, which means your ruling doesn’t mean #@&%&!”
* * *
Hygiene note: While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done with one’s OWN keys.

Sometime in the 1980s stand-up comic Jeff Foxworthy, a ‘Southerner,’ came up with a skit he called, “You might be a Redneck if.” One of them was, “You might be a Redneck if your mother kept a spit cup on her ironing board.”
With apologies to Mr. Foxworthy, we’ve accumulated some “You might have suffered depressed living if” ideas. If you’re not part of the throwaway society, you may well have similar thoughts.
You might have suffered depressed living if you wash out and re-use re-closable plastic bags.
If you wear underwear with just a small hole in it . . . if you cut dry cleaner bags apart and use them for drop cloths . . . and if you re-use facial tissues after they dry out — you might have suffered depressed living.
If you get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube by using pliers . . . if you wash and re-use paper plates . . . and if you spread butter and jam real thin on your bread — you might have been brought up in hard times.
If you use less than a cup of detergent in your wash . . . use four cups of water instead of the recommended three when making orange juice from frozen cans … and if you save your bacon grease — you might have suffered depressed living.
If you shine your shoes instead of just buying new ones . . . if you wash your own car . . . if you put off haircuts a couple of weeks . . . and pick up pennies off the sidewalk you may have grown up in a poorer household.
If you change the oil in your car every 10,000 miles instead of the recommended 3,000 miles . . . if you shut off the shower to soap down . . . if you save Miracle Whip jars when you don’t even know anyone who cans . . . and if you continually shut off lights whenever you leave a room — you might have suffered depressed living.
If you think a 40-hour work week is a part time job . . . if you use the second sides of sheets of paper . . . and if you save gift boxes from every occasion for re-use — you might have come from a money-lacking home.
If you ask for a ‘doggy bag’ as soon as you order in a restaurant, and ask for more bread sticks a couple of times — you might have suffered depressed living.
If you always take the shampoo, lotion, soap and shower cap from you motel room . . . if you use a grocery plastic bag for a shower cap . . . and if you cut night crawlers in half when fishing just so they’ll last longer — you may have suffered depressed living.
You have probably figured out by now by my rearing (and surmised correctly) I’ve done all these things — except the shower cap.
* * *
This by way of The Porcupine Press, which got it from Dennis Miller:
He (Miller) said recently on his show, regarding the judges who declared the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional:
“So, Your Honor, the Pledge is unconstitutional because it says ‘Under God.’
“Guess that means when you were sworn in with the Bible, and at the end of your oath repeated, ‘So, Help Me God’ that makes your job unconstitutional!
“Therefore, you have no job, which means your ruling doesn’t mean #@&%&!”
* * *
Hygiene note: While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done with one’s OWN keys.

Sometime in the 1980s stand-up comic Jeff Foxworthy, a ‘Southerner,’ came up with a skit he called, “You might be a Redneck if.” One of them was, “You might be a Redneck if your mother kept a spit cup on her ironing board.”
With apologies to Mr. Foxworthy, we’ve accumulated some “You might have suffered depressed living if” ideas. If you’re not part of the throwaway society, you may well have similar thoughts.
You might have suffered depressed living if you wash out and re-use re-closable plastic bags.
If you wear underwear with just a small hole in it . . . if you cut dry cleaner bags apart and use them for drop cloths . . . and if you re-use facial tissues after they dry out — you might have suffered depressed living.
If you get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube by using pliers . . . if you wash and re-use paper plates . . . and if you spread butter and jam real thin on your bread — you might have been brought up in hard times.
If you use less than a cup of detergent in your wash . . . use four cups of water instead of the recommended three when making orange juice from frozen cans … and if you save your bacon grease — you might have suffered depressed living.
If you shine your shoes instead of just buying new ones . . . if you wash your own car . . . if you put off haircuts a couple of weeks . . . and pick up pennies off the sidewalk you may have grown up in a poorer household.
If you change the oil in your car every 10,000 miles instead of the recommended 3,000 miles . . . if you shut off the shower to soap down . . . if you save Miracle Whip jars when you don’t even know anyone who cans . . . and if you continually shut off lights whenever you leave a room — you might have suffered depressed living.
If you think a 40-hour work week is a part time job . . . if you use the second sides of sheets of paper . . . and if you save gift boxes from every occasion for re-use — you might have come from a money-lacking home.
If you ask for a ‘doggy bag’ as soon as you order in a restaurant, and ask for more bread sticks a couple of times — you might have suffered depressed living.
If you always take the shampoo, lotion, soap and shower cap from you motel room . . . if you use a grocery plastic bag for a shower cap . . . and if you cut night crawlers in half when fishing just so they’ll last longer — you may have suffered depressed living.
You have probably figured out by now by my rearing (and surmised correctly) I’ve done all these things — except the shower cap.
* * *
This by way of The Porcupine Press, which got it from Dennis Miller:
He (Miller) said recently on his show, regarding the judges who declared the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional:
“So, Your Honor, the Pledge is unconstitutional because it says ‘Under God.’
“Guess that means when you were sworn in with the Bible, and at the end of your oath repeated, ‘So, Help Me God’ that makes your job unconstitutional!
“Therefore, you have no job, which means your ruling doesn’t mean #@&%&!”
* * *
Hygiene note: While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done with one’s OWN keys.