This story begins Sept. 1, 2004.

Last week I got some great news. News that had me whistling happy tunes, snapping my fingers and tapping my toes. I had a stye in my eye — left to be exact. That’s it.
That is my happy news.
I went to the urgent care center in Oxford, sat down on the table-bed thingy with the white, crinkly rolled paper. Talked to the nurse for a minute or two, then the doctor entered the room. He kept his distance — about four feet between your hero (that would be me) and himself and said, “Yep. You got an eye stye. Put a warm compress on it a couple of times a day and I’ll write you a prescription.”
He turned and vanished out the door.

SCHWISH, clunk. The door swung shut and closed. He gone.

Hot damn! I’m feeling all warm and fuzzy all over again just reliving the moment. I got a stye in my eye and I am thankful. Thankful I had an infection of the hair follicle of an eyelash in my left eye. I am happy I had a sore similar to a boil or a pimple that formed on the inside of my eyelid. I was happy to know by doing the warm, moist compress thing I would speed up the process of bringing said stye to a head so pus could go on my eye once the thing popped. All this information made me happy.
Before the doctor issued his eye stye proclamation I was under the firm belief I had that most dreaded of ocular sicknesses, PINK-EYE.
Oh gosh, I thought, I had pink-eye. I have never had pink-eye (or an eye stye for that matter). I didn’t know how it felt to have pink-eye and only knew it looks yucky. It’s unpleasant and I thought I had it because a fellow female worker (who shall remain anonymous to protect her social standing in the community) said she actually had pink-eye. I wouldn’t know, once the word was out I couldn’t look at her for fear of being grossed out by seeing pink, pus-y eyes.
Oh man, I was bumming. The vision from my left eye was foggy and blurry. My left eye was swelling, it was itchy and the thing looked like it was starting to turn pink. I was positive it was pink-eye. Dang it!
If I had pink-eye, I reckoned, then my family would get pink-eye. I followed the slippery slope down and found out that dogs too can get pink-eye. And, wouldn’t you know it, if I passed pink-eye on to the kids and wife and the dogs, then they would in turn pass it on to our cat, who would then pass it on to the two guinea pigs. A whole house of icky pink eyes.

***

Does anybody remember the episode of the Dick VanDyke Show, where he has a nightmare of walnut-eating aliens turning his friends and family into aliens with eyes in the backs of their heads? I was certain a similar nightmare would strike our home, except all eyes would be gooey pink. Oh, the horror!

* * *

I got online and Googled “eye stye” and “pink eye” to find out more about them, to be more understanding and wiser in the ways of eyes. I recommend all pious and caring people do this because knowledge is power. Don’t however type in “eye sti” because STI in the health world stands for Sexually Transmitted Infections and you’ll learn of more yucky stuff than pink-eye.

* * *

What is a Stye In The Eye? I googled it and from WebMD.com, “A stye or hordeolum is a small, painful lump on the inside or outside of the eyelid. It is actually an abscess filled with pus and is usually caused by a staphylococcus bacteria eye infection. Styes are common with most people experiencing one or two of them at some stage in their life.”
I have no idea what that means, but it sounds gross.

* * *

Don’s Note: July 3, 2017 — I have gotten another stye. This time in my right eye. That’s not bad, is it? Two styes in 13 years? A real positive, I have never had Pink Eye. I am knocking on wood fast and furious after I type this sentence.
Comments? Suggestions, concerns? Send them to DontRushDon@gmail.com or if you can do it in 140 characters on Twitter@DontRushMeDon.

  dick van dyke, don rush, don’t rush me, eye stye, pink eye