“The Right to Be the Grown-Up”

Ortonville- A five-week parent education series beginning this week is set to help parents regain control and get back the children they once knew.
‘The Right to Be the Grown-Up,? will be from 7-9 p.m. on Nov. 15, 22, 29, and Dec. 6 and 13 at Harvey Swanson Elementary, 209 Varsity Drive. The series is free, but donations will be accepted for the sponsor, Brandon Groveland Youth Assistance.
Dr. Judith Margerum from the Michigan Family Institute will present the program.
‘This program was develped for parents of difficult adolescents who are having more and more problems,? Margerum says. ‘Parents who don’t know what else to do and who are really getting scared. Once these kids have too much power and are openly defiant, the parent may feel they can’t make them and are afraid to ask them to do anything or set limits. The child gets the upperhand.?
In the series, Margerum will help the parent to get control again, through five defined sessions.
The first session is an overview of the program. The reasons why children get out-of-control will be discussed, including society’s role. The session will empower parents and give hope that the problem can be solved by themselves.
‘Parents are tired, frustrated and feeling like nothing they do will work,? says Margerum. ‘We want to give them hope so they’ll put effort in.?
The second session is ‘Reactivity.? Margerum notes that parents often deal with a problematic child in one of two ways– by overreacting or underreacting. A parent who overreacts may say things like, ‘You’re going to be grounded for the rest of your life.? Margerum says kids tend not to listen to empty threats, but if they know the parent means what he/she says, they’ll listen.
An underreaction happens when parents believe it doesn’t matter what they say, so they don’t say anything. Margerum uses as an example a child who goes out until 4 a.m. and the parent doesn’t do anything or set any limits. ‘Reactivity? will help parents react.
‘If the kid says, ‘I hate you, Mom?, they’re using a tool,? Margerum says. ‘If you begin yelling or screaming, it takes the focus off the topic, instead of the parent just saying, ‘You’re not going.? Nothing you do or say will be effective if you’re yelling and screaming. Stay focused on the issue.?
Session three is ‘Information/Power.? Margerum explains that teenagers have more information than parents do. Kids know what the parent is doing and when but parents do not always know what their kids are doing and where or who they are with. Parents need to get the information on kids that will help solve the problem.
‘As a parent, you have the right to the information,? says Margerum. ‘If you think your child is doing drugs or having sex they’ve lost their right to privacy. They’re endangering their life. You have a right to read their diary and when things are better- don’t. If you’re not acting like a regular teenage kid, you don’t have regular teenage rights.?
The power part of this session is putting the parent in charge to set rules and limits.
In session four, participants will focus on ‘Coalitions.? Margerum points out that teen have lots of friends and support, but parents often don’t want anyone to know they are having a problem with their child, because they believe it reflects poorly on them as parents. She suggests parents let the school and relatives know.
‘Find support and build a network,? she says. ‘When a kid has that much power, you don’t feel like you can do it alone. We help identify their particular reason they don’t ask for help and help them overcome it. Most people will feel privileged to help you.?
Session five is all about ‘Making it Work.? Participants will pull together skills they’ve learned and bring a support person they have selected. They will identify one specific problem, for example- skipping school, and develop a plan of action and figure out what they’re going to do the next time the child commits the offense. They will have a plan of action for who is going to help them, what they will do and say and what the consequences will be. They will also have a back-up plan.
Margerum believes the biggest mistake parents make is backing down once they have said something. She advises parents to think about what they are going to say beforehand and remember that they do not have to act the moment something happens, they can think about how they will discipline first and act on it later.
The biggest thing parents do right is spending time with and letting their children know how much they love them.
She hopes the parent education series will help parents feel more competent and secure in setting limits in their own home and help them to get their kids back.
‘I want to help them trust their instincts, aside from the mooment when they might want to choke their child,? she says, smiling. ‘It’s never too late to regain control and get back that loving child you once had. Kids don’t like being out of control and having the power. They want to know someone else holds the reigns. It’s too scary.?
For more information on ‘The Right to Be the Grown-Up? parenting education series, call (248) 627-6445.

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