Looking for a new ‘put down? phrase?
For 20 years Bill Ardelan served in various capacities at our Oxford Leader newspaper office — sales rep, sales manager, creative director and general manager, to name a few. He retired 14 years ago, moved to Gladwin and tried to forget his 20 years with me.
Well, he can’t, cuz I keep reminding him. Bill was a font of talent . . . self taught. He took up the trumpet and eventually had his own trio. He liked the piano, and taught himself to play it.
In retirement, Bill decided to learn a stringed instrument, a guitar. He is also an outstanding pool player, though a bad toe is making him think pool makes one stand too long. While with The Leader, the two of us took a half-day off to shoot pool somewhere out-of-town.
Very shortly into the first game, he began spotting me balls. Eventually he spotted me eight, and he’d run the table while I warmed my cue.
Bill is also an excellent painter — excuse me, artist. From saw blades to his basement wall mural of the woods he could see from his window, to just plain old paper — he’s talented.
In preparing our 400-page anniversary edition (1976), Bill’s drawings of merchant stores were chosen over the actual pictures we took of them.
The guy’s a phenomenon. He’s being recalled this week because a collection of put-downs crossed my path. Bill had a collection of his own.
Here’s some. Pick your own pronoun to start:
? In the pin-ball game of life his flippers are too far apart.
? A few feathers short of a whole duck.
? Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top.
? Belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
? Antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.
? Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
? Is a Fruit Loop short of a full bowl.
? The cheese slid off his cracker.
? No grain in the silo.
? Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
? Fell off the stupid tree and hit every branch on his way down.
? If he had another brain it would be lonely.
? Too much yardage between the goal posts.
? A few croutons short of chef’s salad.
? Drives around with one wheel in the ditch.
? A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
? An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
? A few beers short of a six-pack.
? The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster is dead.
? Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
? Forgot to pay the brain bill.
? Sewing machine is out of thread.
? Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
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Now, some facts about Michigan.
? Sault St. Marie was established in 1668, making it the oldest town between the Alleghenies and the Rockies. It’s the third oldest in the United States.
? The painted turtle is Michigan’s state reptile.
? Indian River is the home of the largest crucifix in the world. It is called the Cross in the Woods.
? In 1929, the Michigan State Police established the first state police radio system in the world.
? Isle Royale Park shelters one of the largest moose herds remaining in the United States.
? Michigan was the first state to guarantee every child the right to tax-paid high school education.
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Try to remember this, and I’ll try to keep reminding you: Believe others? actions, and not their words.