The person who invented fitted sheets never refolded one after a wash.
Or, that inventor was a sadist, had a bad marriage, hated the world or had a weird sense of humor.
Last week I had to launder the fitted sheets used in our deer camp. What? You didn’t really expect we hunters to use plain ol? flat sheets did you?
A few weeks ago I told you our roughing it meant no George Foreman grill. Then some idiot, ne’er do well sent such a grill to our camp. Idiot, ne’er do wells are our best readers. Maybe only readers.
There were only two of us in our condo, so I don’t know why there were three sets of sheets, but a lot of things are unexplainable in a deer camp.
I watched Hazel fold fitted sheets a time or two, and recall that she used no vile language during the process, and in fact, remained very calm.
Well, she wouldn’t have been proud of me. I started out calm, but determined that I too could properly fold a fitted sheet that would take first place in the state fair competition.
Thirty seconds later I was in a wrestling match. The determination was there, but it was re-directed toward achieving some semblance of flatness. I didn’t achieve it with the first, twin-bed size mattress covering.
Nor did I achieve it with the second twin-size stretchable sheet, a sheet that shouldn’t have even been rumpled if the person in that room had remembered which bed he had slept in the night before. A lot of things are unexplainable in deer camp.
My queen size (it’s deer camp, remember?) fitted sheet is longer than my reach, so even attempting to shake it out in my pre-fold routine causes it to drag on the floor. I’m still assuming that floor was clean.
So, let’s see. Turn one corner inside-out and put it in the right-side-out corner. Where the heck is that corner? My arms are too short to reach it, and when I locate it I can’t reach the other end of the entanglement, so I have to drop the first fitting and try to do the inside-outside movement there.
That done, I hold it up for shelf-ready folding. The elasticized ends are three feet wide, while the other ends are six foot six. And the elastic ends are ugly and heavily wrinkled.
I looked for the label for instructions. Grand Patrician failed to comply with the consumer law that requires instructions on everything.
I’m debating on whether to call Geoffrey Fieger or 1-800-Call-Sam free like the ad says. They could use the money we win in the lawsuit.
With my temperature rising and my patients shortening I tried folding that mess right to left, up to down and corner to corner. Finally, reasoning took over. The next time that sheet will be used is when I go trout fishing in April, 2004.
Will I really care how that sheet looks on the closet shelf during the next five months or when I remake the queen? Absolutely not. So why am I seeking folding perfection when I’m only one who is ever going to see it?
A flip here, a flip there, some heavy pressing with my palms, put the properly (and neatly) folded plain sheet on top and presto, job’s done.
My worries are over, unless our daughter goes up there for New Year’s.
* * *
If it’s true we are here to help others, what are others here for?