Sitting in a doctor’s waiting room recently, I scanned Crittenton Hospital Medical Center’s ‘Wellspring? magazine.
The headline read, ?10 biggest threats to men’s health.? Since I’m one of them, I paused to read, ‘Maintain your health through smart choices. Simple changes like becoming more active and eating more fruits and vegetables increases your chances of staying happy and healthy for years to come.?
Too late!
The reasoning of an aging man is: Activity is tiring. And, at this age there are other ways to stay happy than eating an apple and carrot.
The article reports the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports says nearly 80 percent of men die from one of 10 conditions. I have chosen to be in the other 20 percent.
So, I analyzed their 10.
? Heart disease (28 percent of deaths). Get at least 30 minutes of exercise most days and quit smoking. That’s easy. Extend my scratching time.
? Cancer (24 percent). Drink alcohol in moderation. Love that one. What’s moderate to me is whenever I quit for the day.
? Unintentional injuries (5.9 percent). Most injuries result from car accidents. Park your car and go bowling.
? Stroke (5.1 percent). Manage your level of stress. Quit bowling.
? Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (5.1 percent). The main cause is smoking. Quit breathing.
? Diabetes (2.9 percent). Most people with diabetes are medically overweight. Reduce your weight by selling your heavy organs to U of M, take the money and buy golf clubs.
? Influenza and pneumonia (2.4 percent). Reduce risks by getting flu and pneumonia shots. Replace with hourly shots of vodka.
? Suicide (2.1 percent). Reduce stress, quit golf.
? Kidney disease (1.7 percent). Major cause is overuse of aspirin and ibuprofen. See, Mother, I told you it wasn’t the booze.
? Alzheimer’s disease (1.5 percent). Try mental exercises like sudoku or crossword puzzles. Commit your bowling and golf scores to memory. That will also shift your stress from you to your opponents, who also can’t remember.
The reasoning of a person whose years are fleeting is . . . Why? Why, at my age, should I switch from delicious desserts to a bite of rutabaga?
Why should I walk a golf course when they have these comfortable carts for two?
Which brings me to a final, for now, point about exercising. ‘Be more active,? they preach. Running is for escaping police, not injuring your knees and ankles.
Exercise is promoted by doctors as a money-maker. Show me an exerciser and I’ll show you a patient.
Why are so many outpatient facilities being built by so many hospitals? Because so many more people are exercising and more doctors? offices are needed closer to the predictable patients.
The move to increase exercising is being promoted by followers of the likes of Al Gore. You know who I mean. The earth warmers. The Greenies. Those whose lives are lost.
Exercise promoters are cult leaders. They can’t stand to see people being healthy without wearing sweat bands on their heads, elastic knee supports and smiling.
The exercise we all need it that of exercising our right to speak freely, not speak at all and respect the rights of others.