A collection of stuff I like to call humor

Following are bits collected from anywhere but the internet. I not only do not understand why that word is supposed to be capitalized, I stubbornly refuse to enter it. Mostly this stuff comes from the UP Monthly Magazine, formerly the Porcupine Press.
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? My mother taught me everything about genetics, ‘You’re just like your father!?
? A little old lady was sitting on a park bench at Trailer Estates, a Florida Mobile Home park.
A man walked over and sat on the other end of the bench.
After a few minutes the lady asks, ‘Are you a stranger here??
He replies, ‘I lived here years ago.?
‘So, where were you all these years??
‘In prison,? he replies.
‘Why did they put you in prison??
He looked at her and very quietly said, ‘I killed my wife.?
‘Oh,? said the woman, ‘So you’re single.?
? If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
? Diet quips: Amazing, you just hang something in your closet for a little while and it shrinks two sizes.
I try to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I get enough exercise jumping to conclusions and pushing my luck.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
I’m on a 30 day diet. So far I’ve lost 15 days.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diet.
? A man is awakened in the middle of the night by a crash in his back yard. He looks outside — only to see a man breaking into his storage shed. He dials 911 and proceeds to tell them there is someone breaking into his shed.
The dispatcher asks if the suspect is armed, and the man answers, ‘No.?
The dispatcher then informs the citizen that there are no officers available right then, and as soon as one is available — they will be dispatched.
The man is shocked, and asks how long this might take. The dispatcher tells him it could be 10-15 minutes. The man says the thief will be gone by then — but proceeds to hang up.
A couple minutes later, the dispatcher gets another call from the same address. The man sounds out of breath, and states, ‘Well, I just went outside and shot the guy breaking into my shed.?
Within seconds, the sirens could be heard as cars came flying to the location. Overhead, the police chopper was circling, shining lights on the back yard. As the officers pulled up, the man in the shed tried to run, but was caught immediately and taken into custody. He was checked for injuries, but none were found.
The commander on the scene walks up to the homeowner, and states, ‘I thought you told us you shot this guy.?
The homeowner calmly replies, ‘I thought you didn’t have any officers available!?
? Officer: ‘You didn’t think we gave pretty women tickets? We don’t. Sign here.?
? Truth about car ads: All Original, means nothing fixed, adjusted or replaced.
? Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
? Polar bears are left handed.
? Erma Bombeck: ‘I am not a glutton. I am an explorer of food.?
? Church bulletin blooper: Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
? Being politically correct: He doesn’t have a beer gut, he has developed a liquid grain storage facility.

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