Last year I was full of conspiracy theories. That was before the presidential election. Now, a changed man in a changed land, I know there are no conspiracies lurking behind every hunk of marble in Washington, DC.
That said, here was my favorite conspiracy from 2008.
* * *
At first I didn’t see any correlation. The dots I saw were randomly placed around me in the cosmos. But, as the ancients soon discovered, if you connect those dots — those stars in the heavens — you can tell a story.
Of course, I am talking about the number one news-story of the year, possibly of the millennium. What am I prattling on about? War in Iraq? Smog in Beijing? A man of partial African descent one election away from being president of the United States? Nope, I am shining the light of scrutiny onto the previously veiled threat to Americans like me; from now on the world will call this, The Great Salsa Conspiracy of 2008.
Much like the rest of you mere mortal newshounds, the story didn’t slap me in the face and yell, ‘Rush, write me!?
Nor did it fall in my lap, look up and purr at me, ‘Pet me and I will grow.?
I admit, it almost slipped by me.
Were it not for my superhuman and keen sense of smelling out insignificant or seemingly trivial information, the conspirators would have gotten away with it. But, something moved in the plain of my peripheral vision. And since I am rather unremarkable and undistinguished, I saw it. Now, I am onto ‘them.?
Oh yes I am, and I’m gonna? bring them down.
Who are ‘them??
‘Them? are the vast, right-wing (read, Republican) meanies.
(Stream of Conscious Thought Break — why did my English teachers cringe at the thought of Don Rush writing for a living? I don’t get it.)
I pieced the story together at 7:45 a.m., on Thursday, July 31 when I read a memo from an agent in the Michigan Department of Agriculture that stated: Cilantro recalled for possible contamination from salmonella.
Bam! It hit me — either folks like me who like salsa were being targeted or more likely, the meanies (rich, Republican white guys) are trying to discredit workers in Mexico, thereby causing more of them to illegally migrate to America where the greedy people can exploit a cheap labor force and reap huge profits.
It was all there in front of us, it just took somebody (me) to notice the pattern.
June 3, 2008 the Federal Food and Drug Administration, announces consumers shouldn’t eat raw, red tomatoes that are round, because they could be tainted with a rare brand of salmonella called Saintpaul and could make folks sick. (I wonder what the Saintpatrick strain does?)
June 7, the FDA reports 145 cases of salmonella sickness.
June 13, the FDA reports 228 cases of salmonella sickness in 23 states.
June 20, the FDA reports 552 cases of salmonella sickness in 32 states.
July 7, the FDA widens its net in the salmonella investigation. Vegetables under suspicion now include raw, red and round tomatoes, jalapeno and serrano peppers, scallions and onions. Interesting to note, tomatoes and peppers are fruit.
July 9, the FDA reports 1,017 cases in 41 states and Washington, DC (plus 203 hospitalizations in Canada).
July 17, the FDA reports 1,220 cases in 42 states and Washington, DC (plus 224 hospitalizations in Canada).
July 21, the FDA reports 1,251 cases in 43 states and Washington, DC — resulting in two deaths.
July 30, the FDA reports 1,319 cases of salmonella sickness were caused by serrano peppers shipped in from across the border — Mexico! Mexican officials strongly deny the accusation.
So, let’s do the math. Red tomatoes, hot peppers, onions, scallions and cilantro are what? They are all ingredients of salsa. Salsa (rightly or wrongly) is associated with what country? The answer is Mexico. What country do most Americans think exports the largest number of illegal aliens? Again, the answer is Mexico. How much money is spent along the US/Mexican border to keep out illegals? Somewhere around a gagillion, billion, million dollars, I think.
That said, why would the US government all but ruin a Mexican industry — creating less $1 an hour jobs there, causing a higher demand for $2 an hour jobs here? My well-honed, investigative journalistic instincts draw me to this conclusion: The government doesn’t want to curb illegal immigration because they want the rich, white business owners to have a cheap labor force. And that, my friends, equals larger profits.
Ta-da!
Or there was a salmonella outbreak and the feds couldn’t figure it out fast enough, so they needed a quick scapegoat and Mexico is it because they can’t vote. (For my money, I’m sticking with The Great Salsa Conspiracy of 2008 theory!)
To add your thoughts to this conspiracy, e-mail Don, don@dontrushmedon.com

At first I didn’t see any correlation. The dots I saw were randomly placed around me in the cosmos. But, as the ancients soon discovered, if you connect those dots — those stars in the heavens — you can tell a story.
Of course, I am talking about the number one news-story of the year, possibly of the millennium. What am I prattling on about? War in Iraq? Smog in Beijing? A man of partial African descent one election away from being president of the United States? Nope, I am shining the light of scrutiny onto the previously veiled threat to Americans like me; from now on the world will call this, The Great Salsa Conspiracy of 2008.
Much like the rest of you mere mortal newshounds, the story didn’t slap me in the face and yell, ‘Rush, write me!?
Nor did it fall in my lap, look up and purr at me, ‘Pet me and I will grow.?
I admit, it almost slipped by me.
Were it not for my superhuman and keen sense of smelling out insignificant or seemingly trivial information, the conspirators would have gotten away with it. But, something moved in the plain of my peripheral vision. And since I am rather unremarkable and undistinguished, I saw it. Now, I am onto ‘them.?
Oh yes I am, and I’m gonna? bring them down.
Who are ‘them??
‘Them? are the vast, right-wing (read, Republican) meanies.
(Stream of Conscious Thought Break — why did my English teachers cringe at the thought of Don Rush writing for a living? I don’t get it.)
I pieced the story together at 7:45 a.m., on Thursday, July 31 when I read a memo from an agent in the Michigan Department of Agriculture that stated: Cilantro recalled for possible contamination from salmonella.
Bam! It hit me — either folks like me who like salsa were being targeted or more likely, the meanies (rich, Republican white guys) are trying to discredit workers in Mexico, thereby causing more of them to illegally migrate to America where the greedy people can exploit a cheap labor force and reap huge profits.
It was all there in front of us, it just took somebody (me) to notice the pattern.
June 3, 2008 the Federal Food and Drug Administration, announces consumers shouldn’t eat raw, red tomatoes that are round, because they could be tainted with a rare brand of salmonella called Saintpaul and could make folks sick. (I wonder what the Saintpatrick strain does?)
June 7, the FDA reports 145 cases of salmonella sickness.
June 13, the FDA reports 228 cases of salmonella sickness in 23 states.
June 20, the FDA reports 552 cases of salmonella sickness in 32 states.
July 7, the FDA widens its net in the salmonella investigation. Vegetables under suspicion now include raw, red and round tomatoes, jalapeno and serrano peppers, scallions and onions. Interesting to note, tomatoes and peppers are fruit.
July 9, the FDA reports 1,017 cases in 41 states and Washington, DC (plus 203 hospitalizations in Canada).
July 17, the FDA reports 1,220 cases in 42 states and Washington, DC (plus 224 hospitalizations in Canada).
July 21, the FDA reports 1,251 cases in 43 states and Washington, DC — resulting in two deaths.
July 30, the FDA reports 1,319 cases of salmonella sickness were caused by serrano peppers shipped in from across the border — Mexico! Mexican officials strongly deny the accusation.
So, let’s do the math. Red tomatoes, hot peppers, onions, scallions and cilantro are what? They are all ingredients of salsa. Salsa (rightly or wrongly) is associated with what country? The answer is Mexico. What country do most Americans think exports the largest number of illegal aliens? Again, the answer is Mexico. How much money is spent along the US/Mexican border to keep out illegals? Somewhere around a gagillion, billion, million dollars, I think.
That said, why would the US government all but ruin a Mexican industry — creating less $1 an hour jobs there, causing a higher demand for $2 an hour jobs here? My well-honed, investigative journalistic instincts draw me to this conclusion: The government doesn’t want to curb illegal immigration because they want the rich, white business owners to have a cheap labor force. And that, my friends, equals larger profits.
Ta-da!
Or there was a salmonella outbreak and the feds couldn’t figure it out fast enough, so they needed a quick scapegoat and Mexico is it because they can’t vote. (For my money, I’m sticking with The Great Salsa Conspiracy of 2008 theory!)
To add your thoughts to this conspiracy, e-mail Don, dontrushmedon@charter.net

At first I didn’t see any correlation. The dots I saw were randomly placed around me in the cosmos. But, as the ancients soon discovered, if you connect those dots — those stars in the heavens — you can tell a story.
Of course, I am talking about the number one news-story of the year, possibly of the millennium. What am I prattling on about? War in Iraq? Smog in Beijing? A man of partial African descent one election away from being president of the United States? Nope, I am shining the light of scrutiny onto the previously veiled threat to Americans like me; from now on the world will call this, The Great Salsa Conspiracy of 2008.
Much like the rest of you mere mortal newshounds, the story didn’t slap me in the face and yell, ‘Rush, write me!?
Nor did it fall in my lap, look up and purr at me, ‘Pet me and I will grow.?
I admit, it almost slipped by me.
Were it not for my superhuman and keen sense of smelling out insignificant or seemingly trivial information, the conspirators would have gotten away with it. But, something moved in the plain of my peripheral vision. And since I am rather unremarkable and undistinguished, I saw it. Now, I am onto ‘them.?
Oh yes I am, and I’m gonna? bring them down.
Who are ‘them??
‘Them? are the vast, right-wing (read, Republican) meanies.
(Stream of Conscious Thought Break — why did my English teachers cringe at the thought of Don Rush writing for a living? I don’t get it.)
I pieced the story together at 7:45 a.m., on Thursday, July 31 when I read a memo from an agent in the Michigan Department of Agriculture that stated: Cilantro recalled for possible contamination from salmonella.
Bam! It hit me — either folks like me who like salsa were being targeted or more likely, the meanies (rich, Republican white guys) are trying to discredit workers in Mexico, thereby causing more of them to illegally migrate to America where the greedy people can exploit a cheap labor force and reap huge profits.
It was all there in front of us, it just took somebody (me) to notice the pattern.
June 3, 2008 the Federal Food and Drug Administration, announces consumers shouldn’t eat raw, red tomatoes that are round, because they could be tainted with a rare brand of salmonella called Saintpaul and could make folks sick. (I wonder what the Saintpatrick strain does?)
June 7, the FDA reports 145 cases of salmonella sickness.
June 13, the FDA reports 228 cases of salmonella sickness in 23 states.
June 20, the FDA reports 552 cases of salmonella sickness in 32 states.
July 7, the FDA widens its net in the salmonella investigation. Vegetables under suspicion now include raw, red and round tomatoes, jalapeno and serrano peppers, scallions and onions. Interesting to note, tomatoes and peppers are fruit.
July 9, the FDA reports 1,017 cases in 41 states and Washington, DC (plus 203 hospitalizations in Canada).
July 17, the FDA reports 1,220 cases in 42 states and Washington, DC (plus 224 hospitalizations in Canada).
July 21, the FDA reports 1,251 cases in 43 states and Washington, DC — resulting in two deaths.
July 30, the FDA reports 1,319 cases of salmonella sickness were caused by serrano peppers shipped in from across the border — Mexico! Mexican officials strongly deny the accusation.
So, let’s do the math. Red tomatoes, hot peppers, onions, scallions and cilantro are what? They are all ingredients of salsa. Salsa (rightly or wrongly) is associated with what country? The answer is Mexico. What country do most Americans think exports the largest number of illegal aliens? Again, the answer is Mexico. How much money is spent along the US/Mexican border to keep out illegals? Somewhere around a gagillion, billion, million dollars, I think.
That said, why would the US government all but ruin a Mexican industry — creating less $1 an hour jobs there, causing a higher demand for $2 an hour jobs here? My well-honed, investigative journalistic instincts draw me to this conclusion: The government doesn’t want to curb illegal immigration because they want the rich, white business owners to have a cheap labor force. And that, my friends, equals larger profits.
Ta-da!
Or there was a salmonella outbreak and the feds couldn’t figure it out fast enough, so they needed a quick scapegoat and Mexico is it because they can’t vote. (For my money, I’m sticking with The Great Salsa Conspiracy of 2008 theory!)
To add your thoughts to this conspiracy, e-mail Don, dontrushmedon@charter.net