Damn. It’s getting harder and harder to be a boy these days. Don’t believe me, read on and then try to tell me I’m full of estrogen.
Let’s see . . . oh, long hair for boys is again considered stylish. Hmm . . . yep, I remember reading articles about teachers slighting lads to help prop up lasses in the studies of math and science. AND I recently read that certain types of shampoo have caused some young boys to — ummm, er, how do I put this — certain types of ‘poo have caused boys to grow breasts. (There I said it.)
Yep, the headline to an A.P. story read:
Oils linked to breast
growth in boys
Zoinks! I don’t just have a testicle out of joint. It’s true. There is some sort of galactic conspiracy against boyhood. Read a couple of the opening paragraphs from the above stated A.P. story:
‘BOSTON ? Lavender and tea tree oils found in some shampoos, soaps and lotions can temporarily leave boys with enlarged breasts in rare cases, apparently by disrupting their hormonal balance, a preliminary study suggests . . . . The study reported on the condition, gynecomastia, in three boys ages 4, 7 and 10. They all went back to normal when they stopped using skin lotions, hair gel, shampoo or soap with the natural oils . . .?
You know, there used to be a time when boys had to work hard to get manboobs. Each day we had to eat three Whoppers while watching four hours of TV. Now, shampoos and oils with naturally occurring plant stuff does the trick. Gosh . . . it just ain’t fair. When will the assault on boys end.
(Side prediction: Once the word gets out, young girls are gonna? run to the store to buy lavender and tea tree products to rub all over themselves, for the desired effect. This run on such products will cause the prices to rise.)
(Stock tip of the day: Invest in these products now, while they’re still cheap.)
Right away, after reading the shocking news of manboob growing shampoo, I called dear wife Jen, mother of our two boys Shamus, 9 and Sean 6. I know it is really their decision and not mine to make, but I don’t want our boys having manboobs. I called because I wanted Jen to run to the bathroom. I wanted her to assure me the shampoos our boys use are lavender and tea-tree oil free. Like I said, it isn’t my decision to make, but make it I did. I think they’ll thank me later in life.
Jen, for those who don’t know, is very scientifically inclined. Chemistry, biology, genetics — science stuff — really connects in her mind. Anyway, when in my state of trepidation called, Jen introduced into the equation something she and her equally scientifically inclined friends recently discussed. ‘We were just talking about the possible link between soy and testicular cancer . .. 😕
ARRGH!
I thought soy embodies all that is wholesome and good. I thought soy was the savior of the planet. I thought soy, and all plant/vegetable products, were s’posed to be smackin? frackin? blizen rizen good for you!
I am not saying I do not trust my wife’s wisdom, but I had to look into her accusation. It couldn’t be true, could it?
I ‘googled? soy and cancer. And, while I only found a few soy/testicular related articles, I did find lots of articles with headlines like this:
Soya ‘link? to male infertility
and . . .
Soy is an endorcrine disrupter and can damage your child’s health
Son of a — what is going on out there? I’ll tell you what is going on, it’s a conspiracy!
From the BBC News, with growing dismay I read:
‘The humble soya bean may play a role in the problem of male infertility, a team of researchers in Belfast has found. Soya contains the female hormone oestrogen and too much of it is being linked to poor quality sperm.
‘Dr Lorraine Anderson says she found the link in research carried out at the Royal Victoria Hospital in Belfast.?
What’s worse, Anderson said, was that, ‘soya is not just consumed by vegetarians, it is contained in a lot of everyday processed foods . . . such as pizzas, any of those foods that you add hot water to, to reconstitute them, or some of the prepackaged dinners like steak and kidney pies.?
Kidney pies aside, is nothing sacred?
Like I said, it’s hard to be a boy these days. I don’t know, maybe it isn’t a conspiracy, but do I know one thing: I am gonna? catch proverbial hell when I put forth my very simplistic and unscientific conclusion that follows.
Don’s bottom line — plants are bad for you. Eat meat, live longer and more masculine.
Comments for the wigged-out Rush can be e-mailed to: dontrushmedon@charter.net