“Beware the beast man, for he is the devil’s pawn. Alone among God’s primates, he kills for sport, or lust or greed. Yes, he will murder his brother to possess his brother’s land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him. Drive him back into his jungle lair: For he is the harbinger of death.” — Dr. Zaius, an orangutan
I need to get this monkey off of my back. I need to share with you, dear readers, my fear. Understand, I am one of those rare individuals who likes to read news and tidbits from all over about all sorts of things. Politics, science, sports and entertainment. The internet and the worldwide web has helped in this endeavor. Prior to ‘the web,? I had to get my information from newspapers. (Imagine, getting information from pieces of paper with letters, words and pictures on them. But, I digress . . .)
Of late, I have read about the Russians claiming the North Pole and the Arctic as part of the motherland. They want ownership of all mineral rights at Santa’s pad. I’ve read NASA hobbled together some spare parts and sent another ship to Mars looking for signs of water. And, I have read the latest in a long line of events which leads me to this conclusion: The reign of man will end sooner, rather than later. Hug your family and look at your stuff, soon the apes will have it.
Yep, I recently learned that some chimps in the African Savanna are making and using weapons to hunt. I am not talking about Jane Goodall’s chimps who use sticks to dig termites out of the ground. Nope, these Savannian chimps are making strong, two-feet long spears and using them to ‘hunt one of the cutest primates in Africa: bushbabies.?
And, they eat them cute little bushbabies raw! It won’t be long now before we’re all saying, ‘Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!?
I can feel your pessimism now. But, hear me out. Listen, I am not blind. I can see patterns and I can connect the dots (even if some of you are afraid to). I have followed this story for over a decade! Back then, when I had to garner my information from newsprint, I started reading stories of monkeys doing interesting things.
In 1996, I saw a line of print that read, and I quote, ‘gangs of monkeys, some toting plastic shopping bags are picking prized apples from orchards in Tokyo suburbs.?
The monkeys were picking and stuffing the good fruit into their bags, while leaving the yucky fruit. And, by the way, smarty pants, I didn’t read that in a supermarket tabloid. I read it the smackin? frackin? Detroit Free Press.
Since then I have kept my eyes open for signs of the simian uprising. They have been patient. They have been watching and learning. And it’s a world-wide pandemic — not just in Africa and Japan.
In 2005, ABC did a report about Rhesus monkeys on an island off the shores of Puerto Rico. These monkeys, ‘have figured out a fundamental characteristic of social behavior . . . if you’re going to steal another guy’s grapes, make sure he isn’t looking.?
So, now they know about the element of surprise. Where did the term, ‘gorilla warfare? originate?
In 2006, the Daily Mail, reported squirrel monkeys at the London Zoo where snatching visitors? cell phones. Now they have advanced communications technology.
Earlier this year in Muzaffarnagar (that’s in India), ‘mischievous monkeys got on a tractor and started driving it in a police station near here.?
Hmm, learning to drive heavy equipment, are they?
Also from India, police are ‘combing the alleys of the Hindu holy city Varanasi in northern India on Tuesday to search for a monkey accused of stealing reading glasses from a South Korean tourist.?
Why would they need glasses if they can’t read? Or can they?
Baboons in England are swiping brightly colored red and white flags from cars. A troop of 120 baboons have been spotted waving the flags in the monkey jungle area of the Knowsley Safari Park.
I guess monkey nation now has its own flag, too.
Primates have also been noted to steal booze. Think they’re getting ready for a victory celebration?
The news reports of these outrageous thefts has been colored as ‘cute? and ‘humorous.? I, for one, am not amused. I can see the writing on the wall and it reads: Planet where apes have evolved from men.
Yep, I hate to throw a monkey wrench into your world domination plan, but, I predict the monkey business will continue to thrive, until we’re all saying things like, ‘human see, human do,? while picking lice off our loved ones or throwing poo through cage bars.
Comments for the man who cried ‘Ape? can be e-mailed to: dontrushmedon@charter.net