Football season is now in full swing and my couch and I could not be happier. I get up every Sunday and as I walk into my living room my couch seems to be emit an ethereal glow. It calls out to me, speaking directly into the deepest recesses of my mind. My couch invariably asks me to join it for the day and take in all that it and the television have to offer. I am a slave to these overtures, my couch cradles me like a newborn, soothes my woes and sows my mind with fantastical flights of the imagination.
I just wish everyone could get this kind of experience from a Sunday full of football.
There has been trouble in paradise lately though. Nothing is wrong with football and I laugh at any assertion that my couch has outlasted its comfort period and should be replaced. My couch is the Brett Favre of couches, you may know that it is getting a little old when you sit on it but it is still better than 90% of the couches out there.
The problem is this: too many people are saying really dumb stuff on the air and I have to listen to it. Every week so far this season I have been coasting along through my Sunday and I have been completely blindsided by some comment that invariably leaves me gasping for air due to its overall stupidity and worthlessness. I am not saying that all commentators involved with the NFL should be spouting lines which command poet laureate-type respect, I would just like a modicum of decency, intelligence and above all else an elimination of cheap humor.
Here is a question for all of you out there, how many times in the last year have you heard the words: ‘wardrobe malfunction?? Better yet, how many times were those two words been intended to make you laugh and how many times did they actually result in you chuckling in even a half-hearted manner? If you are like me then every time you hear ‘wardrobe malfunction? you cringe. Every time I hear it I feel as if I am being forced to walk into a pane of glass over and over again while every girl I had a crush on in middle school watches.
I am annoyed and I am embarrassed. Annoyed that announcers and commentators feel that they have tapped into a comedy goldmine. Embarrassed when I think of people out there that might be lapping it up.
Let’s go back to the incident that caused all this trouble. Here is what I remember about the Super Bowl halftime show last January. I could not find the beer bottles playing football on another channel so I settled on switching back and forth between Cartoon Network’s Bugs and Daffy Half Time Show and NBC’s halftime edition of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. I heard about Janet’s little exposure the next day, and at that point decided I had made the wrong choice of programming. If I had to make the choice again though I would still avoid the official Super Bowl halftime show like a man-eating sandwich.
I have not toed the company line with the NFL and half time at the Super Bowl ever since I was forced to watch Britney Spears team with Aerosmith and Nelly during the Giants and Ravens tilt a couple of years ago. Even if I liked one of those artists why would I want to watch that? Really it is the same mish mashed lineup every year. Plus for so many years those of us who were adventurous enough to flip the channel were rewarded with such quality entertainment. In most cases the alternative half time shows even come with a little clock graphic telling you when the game comes back on or alternatively letting you know when the over-hyped and ill conceived super bowl halftravaganaza would grind to a halt.
Everyone was so quick to point their fingers at Ms. Jackson and Mr. Timberlake once that breast came out of its bra. Everyone said when you laid down with the MTV wolves you were just asking to be nipped by the bite of indecency. I just wonder where all the conspiracy theorist were, why did no one accuse the network of organizing the whole affair just to keep people like me from switching channels next year?
Look at the pickle I’ll be in next year, on the one hand I want to watch Spike TV’s salute to cheap beer and 15 cent hot wings half time show. On the other hand my dirty mind is titillated by the mere idea of a chance that whoever is super mega huge that week will ‘forget? to wear underwear once the lights go down and the stage rolls out at the Super Bowl. That little half time flash last year did a lot more than offend some sensibilities it cemented a waning superbowl halftime audience. I am not saying that the public has been manipulated to ‘weapons of mass destruction? levels but the joke is on us. Next year the NFL could put two mimes and a parrot on stage and play ‘highway to the dangerzone? and we would all watch without blinking all the while wondering if we were going to see some skin.
I got a little off topic though. I really want to speak to how the piece of jewlery that rocked America to its core last January has now given TV personalities far and wide carte blanche to make terrible terrible jokes about the aforementioned event. Let’s get one thing straight it is not appropriate or witty to say something along the lines of: ‘Those cheerleaders better be careful with all of that high kicking or they might have a wardrobe malfunction,? yet I swear Al Micheals and his ilk do it every five minutes. This type of humor demeans us as a nation we should not laugh at it or encourage it in any way.
I think the two words ‘wardrobe malfunction? should be reserved for events like for example: a football player runs onto the field and starts doing his stretches and suddenly his pants spontaneously combust into white hot flame and his helmet turns into a dove and flies away. To me that would be a wardrobe malfunction and yet in a strange reversal of fortune it would not be appropriate to make a joke out of it. I guess I will never be happy. You can contact me at purcellcn@yahoo.com