By J.C. Pinocchio
Special Correspondent
Orange barrels and yellow caution tape blocked off the driveway of 35 Park St. last week as Oxford Village resident Chris Carnacchio closed his property to the general public.
‘I’m mad as Hell and I’m not going to take it anymore,? exclaimed the 30-year-old red-faced man wielding a Martini glass in one hand and baseball bat in the other.
Carnacchio explained that he’s ‘sick and tired? of motorists using his driveway as a turnaround.
‘I get maybe 20-30 cars a week pulling into my driveway, then backing out to go the other way,? he said. ‘It’s like we’re the officially designated turnaround spot for Park St.?
On Saturday, Carnacchio ‘snapped,? as his poor wife put it, and decided ‘enough is enough,? so he cordoned off his driveway with barrels and tape, then began standing guard.
‘People have got to realize this is private property,? he said as he straightened his yellow web of caution tape. ‘This here is my land and I don’t take kindly to drivers using it all day and night because they can’t figure out which way to go.?
Carnacchio said he is willing to reopen his driveway to the public at some point as a pay-to-turn-around facility. ‘If people are going to use my driveway, they should help pay for its maintenance and upkeep,? he said. ‘I’ve got expenses like snow removal, property taxes, insurance and gin, lots of gin.?
‘Besides, why shouldn’t I make a little extra cash off my driveway, especially if people seem to need it so much? I mean, we’re not communists here, right??
Carnacchio wants to charge drivers $2 every time they use his turnaround, which he described as ‘very generous? on his part.
‘I’ll even give frequent customers special punch cards ? use the turnaround 10 times, get the 11th one for only a $1,? he said. ‘Maybe $1.50.?
Carnacchio indicated he might be willing to sell or lease the popular turnaround to the village for the right price. When the village manager arrived on the scene and asked how much he wanted for his driveway, Carnacchio replied, ‘How much you got??
The Oxford Village Council was confused about the situation on Park St.
‘On the one hand, it is his property to do with as he sees fit,? said a certain village councilman with shaggy white hair, glasses and a striking resemblance to Albert Einstein. ‘But on the other hand, local drivers need that turnaround. If I had a third hand, I would point out that Carnacchio is entitled to some compensation for his private property’s public use. Then again, if I were to consider a fourth hand’s point of view, I might consider making a motion to condemn his property. But if I made that motion, it doesn’t necessarily mean I would vote for it. I could vote ‘no.? Then again, I could vote ‘yes? or withdraw the motion entirely. Who are you again??
After coming out of the trance the village attorney placed them in during closed session, council members wiped the drool from their chins and voted unanimously to condemn Carnacchio’s property.
Council then joined hands and began singing a rousing chorus of ‘This land was your land, but now it’s our land.?
In response to the condemnation, Carnacchio ‘upped the ante? by petitioning the township to detach his property from the village’s jurisdiction. ‘They want a war, I’ll give’em one,? said Carnacchio, who was in the middle of trying to order land mines over the phone.
Township officials could not be found ? literally ? for comment. Apparently, they packed up all their stuff in the dead of night and moved to an expensive new bunker in the middle of nowhere.
This reporter tried to walk to the new hall, but there was no safety path.