‘To pay taxes is human; to live tax-free is Divine.? -? Rev. C.J. Carnacchio

It’s no secret that I don’t like paying taxes.
Like most other normal people, I get tired of constantly rendering unto the local Caesar, the state Caesar and the federal Caesar what’s allegedly theirs.
I’ve often joked about turning my humble Park St. abode into a functioning church to avoid paying property taxes.
And I must say, after reading a July 16 article in The Chicago Tribune, I’m taking the whole idea a little more seriously.
It appears a man living in the Village of Lake Bluff, a community 35 miles north of Chicago, converted his $3 million mansion into a church and was granted a property tax exemption by the State of Illinois.
He won the state exemption by presenting the Illinois Department of Revenue with a copy of his clergy license from the Church of Spiritual Humanism, photos of a church altar, the church’s affidavit of organization, church bylaws and copies of weekly church bulletins.
As a result, this monotheism-loving genius is going to save roughly $80,000 a year in property taxes.
Lake Bluff village officials are naturally planning to appeal the state’s decision ? a clear case of religious persecution, my brothers and sisters.
The village also sent this homeowner a $115,000 bill for violating zoning ordinances, which do not allow for the operation of a church in an area of town zoned as ‘country estate residence? without a special permit.
After reading this, I had an epiphany ? a moment of clarity for all you heathens out there.
So, I went to the Church of Spiritual Humanism’s website and got ordained. It only took a few minutes.
That’s right, I’m now a bona fide member of the clergy with the legal power to do things like marry people, preside over funerals and use the giant scissors to clip the ribbon at supermarket grand openings.
My first official act as a reverend was to call village Manager Joe Young to see if converting my house into a church would run into any zoning problems.
‘That’s the only place churches are allowed is in residential (areas), technically,? he said. The plot thickens . . .
All I need now is a flock of followers, an altar and someone to organize a few potluck dinners and rummage sales.
Granted, I’m a little leery about starting my own church because these types of things always seem to end in either mass suicides (i.e. Jonestown) or fiery showdowns with the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms (i.e. the Waco Siege).
Since I’m prone to megalomania, it’s safe bet within a year my church would be a breaking story on CNN.
And I’m sure given my track-record with local officials, they’d have a few objections to my house of worship and I’d end up in court for years. I definitely would not hire the attorneys who represented the Knaufs and Groves.
Perhaps, I’ll just use my new clergical status help people, do some good and make a buck or two on the side.
I’m a one-man wedding package ? I can marry you, take photos, write your announcement and tend bar.
And if you act right now, I’ll do your baby’s Christening or your second wedding ? whichever comes first ? for half-price. I’d call this deal a steal, but that would be a sin.