Joe Wagner’s a mentor in the life of a young man from Independence Township, but those who know the two might place Wagner somewhere between father and friend.
Wagner hoped to find a branch of Big Brothers/Big Sisters when his job brought him from Chicago to Oakland County.
Instead, he found the Clarkston area Youth Assistance Mentors Plus Program and 7-year-old Jacob Wilton, who was on the program’s waiting list.
‘They sent a note home from school about a program for kids in trouble, kids who needed a mentor,? said Jacob’s mother, Sandy Wilton. ‘Jacob wasn’t in trouble at all, but I knew he could really use a male figure in his life.?
That was seven years ago. Although the Youth Assistance program only requires mentors to commit to one year of weekly visits with a child, Wagner has been around long enough to help Jacob begin mapping a path to adulthood.
‘Over the years he’s become a family member,? she said. ‘We’ve pretty much adopted him right in.?
One of the things she likes most about Wagner’s relationship with her son, is that he doesn’t just bring gifts and take Jacob out to have fun. Instead, he helps Jacob set goals and teaches him the importance of working for the things he wants.
‘He’s really been a true mentor,? she said.
Wagner and his wife have been married 16 years and have no children, which is one of the reasons he became a mentor.
Another, he said, is the desire to retain his own youth.
‘I had a good childhood,? said Wagner. ‘But I’m 46, and I always want to keep the kid alive inside of me.?
It was late 2000 when Wagner and Jacob met the first time, and the circumstances of that first encounter still make both of them laugh.
Before matching a child and a mentor, the Youth Assistance program tries to ensure compatibility between the two.
‘When (Mentors Plus) interviewed me about what I liked, I just talked about wrestling,? Jacob said. ‘I don’t think he really likes wrestling, but I got matched up with him because he’d seen Andre the Giant one time. I didn’t get to choose, but they brought him to me because of that.?
Wagner contends that real wrestling is OK, he just doesn’t care much for the popular, over-dramatic television wrestling. But he’s not one to resist something, just because it’s new.
‘We went to this professional wrestling thing, Total Non-Stop Action,? said Jacob. ‘You can see us in the video.?
But if Wagner’s going to try something new, he wants Jacob to do the same. It’s part of his role as a mentor, he said, to help Jacob learn to be open to new ideas and experiences.
‘He made me try a lot of different kinds of foods,? said Jacob, noting that sometimes the adventure into Middle Eastern or Thai food was successful, other times, well, not.
The two also did a ropes course together early in the relationship to help build trust between them, and made regular trips out to dinner, the library, local museums, and tried laser tag once.
And, since Jacob says he is ‘obsessed? with sports, he and Wagner attended five or six Detroit Lions games and last-year’s MLB All-Star game together, as well.
‘We’ve been go-karting,? said Wagner, ‘and we went fishing once or twice.?
‘We went fishing a lot,? Jacob countered. ‘We just never caught anything.?
The two have an easy way; the genuine fondness for one another and the mutual respect have grown steadily over the last seven years.
But it wasn’t quite that easy in the beginning.
‘I was scared he was going to kidnap me or something,? said Jacob. ‘It took me awhile, but I got used to it.?
Looking back, he said, things turned out pretty well.
‘He’s taught me a lot,? Jacob said. ‘I probably wouldn’t know half of the stuff I know if I hadn’t joined the program. I’ve had fun with him.?
And while the fun is an important part of the time the two spend together, it’s definitely not everything.
Teaching Jacob about empathy and the skill for putting yourself in other people’s shoes and feeling their feelings is something he wants to impart.
He’s also worked hard to be a good example and teach Jacob common sense and people skills that make for a good citizen, a good person.
‘We talk about integrity, attitude, where he’s in control of his own attitude and doesn’t let other people influence his attitude,? Wagner said. ‘It’s important to handle your temper, not let other people get you upset.?
Jacob will have the chance to put his new skills to the test soon; Wagner recently broke the news that his company is relocating him to New Jersey where he’ll continue his work with Automotive Youth Education Systems.
Much in the spirit of his mentoring role, Wagner works with high school kids and post-secondary students to encourage involvement in auto mechanics and technology.
At first, Jacob took news of the move pretty hard.
‘I didn’t talk to him. I was silent the ride home,? he said. ‘But I was only mad for a day. I got over it.?
For Wagner, it’s another opportunity for learning.
‘This is something we have to talk about more,? he said. ‘The changes in life, how do you work with them? You have to embrace them.?
Plus, Jacob has a goal; If he gets all As and Bs on his last grades, Wagner will fly him out for a Yankees game.
That’s incentive.
And maybe more than anything else, Jacob learned about himself, and the kind of man he wants to be.
‘The (mentor program) doesn’t have matches for all the kids,? he said. ‘So I told my mom when I got my car I’d probably join it.?
‘That’d be my biggest reward,? said Wagner, ‘when he does that.?